Employment Soup.

What is this, but an update on my own personal work status?

 I’m currently still working as a dishwasher, and getting a tad nervous towards the big event for Thanksgiving Day. (400 people?!)  Anyh0w, I just wanted you to know that I still love it, but there are a few moments that come to mind as I think back over my six months I’ve been there so far.

 

Get asked to help peel potatoes, only to peel off thumb skin on third slice. (Not much, thankfully)

 

There’s a staff meeting to try new menu items, but due to my distain of anything that isn’t chicken strips or burgers, that’s the only thing I can tolerate with my bland taste buds, am forced to watch everyone slobber down and go “mmmm” then clean after them. (Since I’m the dishwasher and all, duh)

 

Everyone knows my name, even the guys who only come in to change the rugs once a week, yet I only remember my boss and the main chief’s name. (I’m sorry, but I’ve made too many attempts to remember numerous acquaintances, and thus I’ve just given up on even learning. It takes a good eight months to implant your name into my brain, unless I see it constantly in Facebook/twitter handles.)

 

An old man in speedos walked in the kitchen, and declared the bathroom doors were locked. As I began to turn, to search for some assistant, I witness a yellow trail go down his right leg. (What I should have done was to continue my turn and search; instead I abruptly stopped and stared at the puddle forming around him.)

Initial Concepts

Coming up with an idea can change throughout development, such as one idea that started up with just the title: To the MAX!

Idea#1- (Short story idea) A bodybuilder, name Max, works himself to death, leading to his co-workers to investigate whether it was suicide or accidental.

Ex. Text : And there he was, lying on his arched back, with his blue digital stopwatch in one hand and the other firmly clutching a worn-out rusty barbell. Of course this was a typical day for Max, except for the fact his heart monitor wasn’t dolling out the constant bpm beeps he had achieved for the past few weeks. For his next door flat neighbors, the abrupt silence at 6 a.m. was enough to warrant a call for help. At least, that’s what I would have wish…

Idea#2- (Game Idea) A roughly teenager watches too many movies, starts training his life to the MAX! (Ex. Every time he levels up, he deals out a ridiculous amount of effort for a small task. Lv1 Open door, Lv2 Kick door open, Lv 3 (Max) Walks through door, leaving a deep hole. )

 

 

BONUS!

 

 

 

Free Timing #4- Safe and Sound all upside down

Got bored and started to rework the lyrics to safe and sound into a couple having rough BDSM, then stopped when I couldn’t resist laughing at the last line.

I could beat you up!

I could show you what you did to me and (break all of your fucking teeth)

You could get fucked up, Even if my eye is falling out,  I’ll know that you’ll be screaming out

Please pull it out!

I should tie you up, (I know why you won’t cooperate), that’s why we’re gonna fornicate

 

 

Random Events of the Yesterday

Bought Killer is Dead brand new and limited edition at GameStop yesterday. The worker stated that I was the first person to even buy that game there, so don’t know if this is good or bad news.

 

Posted my Review of a horrible game yesterday, http://4playernetwork.com/cblogs/Mr.GreenToS/review-leisure-suit-larry-box-office-bust/ , whew!

 

Sees Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas is on TV, watches the rest of the movie, only to dig out my own DVD of said movie to re-watch what I missed. Then dig out the novel and audio book, but stop myself from going any further. Can’t lie, I ended up buying a poster, http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00ALU46VI/ref=oh_details_o00_s00_i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1  , after putting book up.

 

Got to try out a ps4 at GameStop, first game demo I played for the next gen? Octo-Dad! The other customers, who were waiting behind me to try the other demos, looked at me strangely.

There was an Xbone display box as well, but someone stole the controllers, so it ran a Constant Video over and over till the employees muted the TV.

 

Flip off at TV till ads stop appearing, only to stick several sticky-note pads around my room, with drawn ads flipping me off.

 

 

Attempt to look outside the kitchen window, only to knock out the screen.

 

Forget how tinfoil feels, find some and immediately regret chewing on it.

 

Game Idea pops up into head, can’t say much about it, cept its going to be called “To The MAX!”

Review: Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust

Whilst I glare at the box cover in resentment, thinking about my squandered time consumed on it, I question out in a vociferous tone as to “why I did this”. There have been countless others who have reviewed this period bomb on the white carpet, and far fewer have done so for free. Why? Because what better way to start off my first written review than to venture into the madness that is of Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust?

Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust
Developer: Team 17
Publisher: Codemasters
Release Date: March 27, 2009 (PC, PS3, Xbox 360)

Summary of Story-
Lovage is tasked to go under cover at his uncle’s movie studio, to help discover who’s been disrupting the cast and crew. The central hub you’ll be running around is the studio lot, with three separate movie theme locals as dream sequences. Each one based off over three genres, Western, Horror, and Drama, to show how the developer’s thick heads jammed in as many pop culture references they could. SPOILER! After a few nab and jab quests, Lovage uncovers the master mind, IT WAS KIP, and a happy ending is achieved, at least for Lovage that is. The ending consists of Lovage finally getting Amy, the main love interest, as well as two coworkers with strap-ons.

There, now you can tell your friends you got the cliff-notes of the story.

Side note: It makes me disheartened to discover the storyline was actually written by Allen Covert, the lead actor in Grandma’s Boy. (For those unfamiliar with the series, Al Lowe was the head writer and creator of the original series, but left long before Box Office Bust was released.) I enjoy his inflection and range he delivers in films, but just knowing he help ruin the franchise doesn’t settle well with me.

Voice Acting-
I was surprised at the noticeable voices I’d recognized from several of the cast members. With Patrick Warburton, voiced Brock Samson in Venture Bros, playing an animal fetish loving big shot movie star Damone LeCoque. Or Peter Graves, of Airplane fame, portrayed as wash up old man Clark Taslemuff. (Though from his dialogue and slur in speech, it seems Peter was drunk throughout the recording sessions). Finally we got the protagonist himself, Larry Lovage, voiced by Josh Keaton. (Who you may recognize in the video game world as voicing the latest Spiderman, Young Hercules in the Kingdom Hearts series and even Robin in Batman: Arkham Origins.)

Lovage: "Welcome to Poontown, population 70."
(A scream is heard in the distance)
Lovage: "Make that 69. Oh yeah!!"
-Beefcake Mountain

Lack of development-
The main environments are colorful, in that pop-up book for 5 year olds type, with hardly ANYONE to fill in the empty voids. Sure you’ll come across a guy driving around in a cart, or a person chatting it up with a coworker, but that’s it. This game truly feels lacking in the development process, with a lack of ambient outside mission music, with reiterating looping mission tracks, and the health bar recovery shown during a cut scene clearly indicates some noticeable ones up front.

Another annoying irk the game pulls out of its own ass is its often unclear as to where to reach your objective, even if labeled as high or low on the GPS, mainly due to unclear paths to choose from. This really takes effect when time based missions, with no checkpoints, makes you go ballistic when you realize you spent eight minutes inside a hotel going floor to floor, when all you really needed was to go outside to reach it.

 Animation wise there are some specifics I do enjoy, such as the goofy cartoonish run and wall hanging Lovage does, while others remind me not to give too much credit (When the timer actually stops to let the climb on/off ladder animation go, just shows how ridiculously lethargic it takes. ). Ladders suck!!

Controls-
The main controls are handled as a platformer merged into in an open world format. Considering the original series was a point-n-click structure, this could have led to an interesting twist in the series. However, this sucks due to the misjudgment of jumps and overshooting movements from the oversensitive controls. Hell, even performing a simple ledge grab is often luck based; with micro adjustments in midair seem to deem vastly different results. Frequently I found myself exploiting the system by jumping around corners to skip tedious padding segments.

Camera-
Most of the time, you have control of the camera to look around Lovage, yet most platforming sections lock the camera in place to create a visual thrilling view. In spite of this normal gameplay element most platformers do (i.e. Ratchet and Clank series), It tends to create tank controls by sudden camera shifts and thus led to copious amounts of frustrating unwarranted deaths.

Lovage: "I’m gonna shove a stake so far up your ass it’s going to look like you grew a new fang!"
-Horror Coffin

Mission Structure-
Main Missions: The majority of the missions get tiresome real quick due to the repetitive nature of them requiring an item to be taken and/or placed, usually locating on a roof, all while a timer ticks away meticulously. Storyline missions and side quests are thankfully separated on the completion wise, but it does leave an important conundrum. The dating quests are considered side quests, IN a Leisure Suit Larry game, whose main goal in every game is to get laid!(It was more funnier when it was the original 40 year old virgin Laffer doing the dating, compared to the juvenile teenage nephew  Lovage.) This may have been done intentionally in order to establish a connection with Lovage and his coworker Amy in the main storyline. 

Side Quests:
Driving- After beating a dream sequence, a race quest will open up, but given my own personal abhorrence of racing games, this was the only side quest I actually skipped out on. (But I had plenty of driving in the open world map to know racing wouldn’t even be entertaining, as the max speed you’ll reach is that of a faulty golf cart.)

Collectibles- 100 gold statues of Lovage’s Uncle Laffer are spread throughout the map, with your only real enticement for getting them is achievements.

Dating- You start off every date by walk up to the “Employee of the Moment” board to learn Lovage’s next potential victim, er I mean girl, he wants to “date”.  After making a bad first impression, Lovage is tasked to fetch an item. Once acquired, you’ll return to the girl and start randomly hitting buttons till the “humorous” dialogue options dwindle down to a win win for Lovage.

Now for the sake of clarity, I’ve detailed one of the horrendous quests you’ll partake, from the Beefcake Mountain Sequence, in order to showcase an average mood one will besieged upon one’s self.

• Mission starts with quest to find the old prospector, in order to use his dynamite to blow open the big safe in bank.
• The GPS displays a list of twenty individuals to ask for the old prospector’s location, and then get told to “fuck off” by each person.
• Get the correct info at the 19 person, while venting at the amount of people you had to ask.
• Ride horse to location, only to fall off cliff from clunky controls.
• Game auto reloads to the start of the mission.
• Turn off game to play a better game, then reload save.
• Repeat the ask 20 people section; seek out the last person from before for info, only to find out they now don’t recall the info.
• Then attempt to skip to location due to former knowledge of prospector’s location, but game prevents you from riding there till you ask 19/20 people.
• Ride Horse to location after asking 19 people, AGAIN. WHY EVEN TELL ME ITS OUTTA 20!?
• Watch cut scene of your destination get cut short, forced to take long meticulous route.
• Finally get a checkpoint, a rarity for this game.
• Die from buggy forced camera angle.
• Repeat several times till blood vessels burst forth from arms.
• Arrive at location, and witness a shortcut being open. Fuck.
• End of Mission. (Wow! What a complex and enriching mission this has been.)

Something that should have taken less than five minutes has instead been stretched to a shocking 30 minutes!

Amy: "My name’s Lily… as in pad. What’s your name?"
Lovage: "Jack… as in off in two minutes…I hope that’s not a deal breaker."
-Bytanic

Mini-Games-
Certain missions will have a gimmick to spice up the lack of entertainment from the humorless dialogues or numerous fetch quests, while each dream sequence will have a unique mini game associated within their realms.

Basics:
Gun fights- Most shooting sections require precision aiming, as you’ll be reduced to pong movement, or a per-planned awareness of attacker’s location is required to pass.

Fist Fights- Fist fighting is poor as the developers merged the punch button with the jump button, as well as the difficulty scale gets wonky when ganged up by more than three enemies.

QTE’S- Some Quick Time Events will arrive in either cut scenes or taking pictures, however these moments are far too easy, as the time given is long enough for any slowpoke to react.

Stealth-Lastly, stealth sequences can be easily beaten due to being able to jump on top of enemy’s heads to avoid being seen.  The game later on turn the tables on these moments by sticking you in an outfit that makes you intentionally slow, as well as making Lovage erratically move wildly.

Unique:
Beefcake Mountain- Sniper Shooting requires Lovage to dose up several women, as well as a few horses, for LeCoque to have his way with. While controls were too loose for my preference, I had no problem getting the required score.

Horror Coffin- Zombie Basher has Lovage running around a pac-man like environment, attacking zombies and gaining power ups.  Certain power-ups felt too similar, as the title for each one didn’t give off many details, but I was able to enjoy the novelty of exploding zombies.

Bytanic- Then we get Shuffleboard, A game wholly unfamiliar with cruise ships, where Lovage tries to hit the target while avoiding the bird poo traps. With the opponent AI managing to hit every bird poo made winning far too easy to feel any real accomplishments.

Last Words-
In summary, Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust isn’t worth your time, or bribery money, to invest in. Sure there may be a line or two that gives you hope, but atlas poor yorick, it doesn’t happen enough to warrant a purchase.

Score: 20%
20-29%: Terrible - Almost no good qualities are found here.

Bad Thoughts

I’m going to recount a memory I want to forget, but its impact was too powerful to discard.

Back during my middle school years, when I was living with my mother and actually had a house to live in (Instead of an apartment), we use to have a normal backyard. Except for the part where it was 100 yards from my middle school. (I would always sleep in from late night viewings of adult swim and still be able to make it on time.) Now the only reason why I include this in is for the thing I found right across my backyard fence one morning.

A dead bird.

 Not just a normal pigeon or blue jay, but a black as night raven. Something that wasn’t common at all in that neighborhood. It’s death? A stick forcefully shoved into its neck, with dried up blood and muscle fragments on the back end of the stick to indicate it was alive when the person did it. I felt so sick from the sight from it; I quickly plucked it up and lobbed it into a nearby bush. (I did that merely to make sure my other brothers didn’t catch the sight of it.) Never mention it to anyone, till now.

Dream Talks # 2

 

Without much context, I’ll disclose another dream segment I had endured over the subsequent weeks.

 

I’m running away from some entity in a foreign complex pied-à-terre, a blacken sludge that gaily hugs over the chalky floorboards is right behind me, with the corridor lights altering their hue to a watery blue. My five year old lumber jacket is torn from the left side, cotton spilling out with each step, as I search for an exit from this insanity. My left hand cups a corroded blade of an unidentified fabricator, whilst my right clutches on several loose bloody documents.

 

A loose parquet trips me onto my weaken knees, letting out several creaks of the bones. I seize a prompt glimpse over my shoulder, seeking out for its form to surface. My own eyes seem to relish in no conspicuous movements from beyond the veil of darkness. Just as I bring myself back up from beneath, while retrieving several fallen leaflets, a stream of the gunge ejects out en route for my midsection. Without much deliberation I directly block it with my right hand, feeling each fingertip instantly being drain and replaced with its coarse substance.

 

Repeatedly I attempt to scrap the excruciating incursion onto the ground, but to no avail. Throbbing resonances of pulsating eyes were emerging below the skin, as well as severe vibrations taking over the useless fingers brought their control away from me.  Left with no other choice within the matter, it took one fell motion of the blade to extinguish the injections.  The fingertips fling out in several directions, each one sprouting tendons to run away on the walls.

 

As a pool of blood drizzles out of the newly created wounds, I notice a blue bottle cap floating in the middle of the crimson liquid.

 

*Awake*

I’m Cubby! Ok

 

My state of health hasn’t always been a balance of good proportions; rather I would see it akin to a clump of melted vanilla pudding, with rice, that rolls around in its self. Even though I don’t eat that much to gain any more noticeable weight, I still live my life to the laziest possible. However, this isn’t to say I don’t gorge myself to extreme measures to maintain a stable body shape.

 

At a young age I often refused to eat and was often borderline bone skinny. To this day even I haven’t the faintest clue as to why I did this to myself. Then after getting several shots in the ass by a disgruntled doctor, my hunger moods changed to a lustful craving that brought me back to plump. Then more so than ever, as my body engulfed its former self and amalgamated into chubbiness.

 

Now the reason as to why I’ve taken the lazy lifestyle was that during my childhood I would walk everywhere, to school, stores and even empty parking lots for no reason. All this walking would take my weaken legs and turn them into ham hocks of strength. Nowadays I tend to sit as often as possible, with work as the exception; I rather stand the full time I’M THERE then to take a break due to sitting so much. My legs are still integrated with my young endurance of walking, so that I don’t feel as much complaints that fatter guys will stand.

Off topic, but I was never fond of candy and sweat foods as much as others do. While I do have a stash of skittles and sour patches in my room, it takes months for me to finish each one due to eating one individual piece a day or not even at all. I mainly consume them in order to somewhat replenish my absent of sodas I use to partake.  Due to this, I tend to wake up vastly earlier than normal, typically around six a.m., without caffeine or coffee. (never liked the taste of it, except in fake candy format)

 

I’m a picky eater, always has been and don’t care what any thinks. (I only prefer warm food over cold, which indicates it’s at least got most of the bad bacteria off.) But by stating that, that indicates I do care and that makes me a liar. And if I’m a liar, then I’m in rights to make a sequel to Liar Liar, with Emilio Estevez as my lackey sidekick. Afterwards we get fired for failure to bring in the money and roam the streets in a 1964 Chevy Malibu car.

 

 

I take it the only repo man film you saw had Jude Law in it?

 

 

At any rate, we better get back to the main issue. I’m overweight by some pounds, but have the flexibleness and standard restraints an actual “fat” person lacks. Such as being able to kick my own face standing up, or sitting Indian style on chairs. (As well as twisting either of my legs backwards, but that in its self wouldn’t necessary be a girl hitter. Girl Hitter? What the hell do you call it? Girl Magnets? No. That word that appeals to get one another? Girl Getter? What, No. Those thing male flamingos do to attract other female flamingos?

 

 

 

Watch Pink Flamingos!

 

 HELL NO. Oh wait, Attract! That’s it!)

 

Why am I attacking fat people? I’m not, just wanted to let you know that yes, I can still see it standing up.

Behind the Scenes: Coming up with a Game blog post

While I’m still working on a post for my next GAMING related blog post, I figure I should show what typically goes on when I want to post a new blog.

 

Step 1: Get idea

Step 2: Run around house, seeking a paper to jot it down, if at work, rip off toilet paper and use highlighter provided from break room

Step 3: Type initial concept into pc, hoping word doesn’t freeze

Step 4: Get over hyped and tweet about getting ready to post it within the same day

Step 5: Spend several days away from pc to mingle around more words to type up

Step 6: Come back to type said words, only to see link to porn in browser

Step 7: Wake up hours later due to passing out from porn, getting odd looks from my cat

Step 8: Walk around the room like a maniac, reciting quotes from films

Step 9: Attempt to shit, only to find out it was just gas

Step 10: Keep telling yourself you’re gonna get back to play that game

Step 11: Realize the document isn’t finished

Step 12: Type some more

Step 13: Repeat Step 8 and 6 till satisfied with self

Step 14: Repeat step 12

Step 15: Feel the rough draft is good enough to ignore, and then seek out pics

Step 16: Tweet once more about progress, and lie about current status

Step 17: Find some pics, but have to create my own pics to continue the flow of the work

Step 18: Wait for internet to load up to accept my pics I made for it

Step 19: Find a header image

Step 20: Fuck that, Use pass idea to use movie quote as header image

Step 21: Work on Rough Draft to finish work

Step 22: Search internet to ensure I don’t copy someone

Step 23: Print finished work, only to tear it up

Step 24: Pee outside my window for fun

Step 25: Wake up to find Step 22 and 23 are fake, part of dream, remains of dried up urine outside window indicate Step 24 Might be real

Step 26: Amazon Mail comes in, the first season of In Living Color is inside, spend the rest of the day watching it

Step 27: Wake up once more to find Spider above me

Step 28: Flip my shit and attack spider with pillow

Step 29: Missed and spider rolls to cause fear

Step 30: I fling myself outta bed and run out bedroom

Step 31: Come back in with toilet paper

Step 32: Spend 45 minutes in life and death battle against Spider

Step 33: Aunt comes into room and kills Spider with one motion

Step 34: Hold a funeral for Spider

Step 35: Consult the Spider’s children for forgiveness

Step 36: Take Spider’s Wife out for drinks

Step 37: Regrets

Step 38: Come back home to copy and paste work from word into Blog post

Step 39: Hit preview and edit work

Step 40: Repeat Step 39 till I find work is good for website

Step 41: Publish IT

Step 42: Hit refresh icon till I see it gain any notice

Step 43: Don’t work on any more game blogs till next month

Step 44: Get Step 1

Condom’s R Us

I just realized something, where does one go about to measure condoms? I mean I don’t expect my sexual prowess will attract the opposite gender any time soon, but sooner or later I’ll have a drunken late night of remorse and shall need to call upon the rubber manufactures to make sure my boomstick doesn’t go off inside her cabin. (Honestly it’s more along the comparison of a .45 caliber than that massive scale.)

“Why don’t you just buy a shit ton of different condoms and test each one for comparison?” HELL NO! I don’t want to waste my precious, but not so hard earned, money just to attest to prior knowledge of box size, but then again I don’t want to make my buddy turn blue for grabbing the wrong coat.

 

Wait I got the internet! Wait…the internet?! One wrong link click could send me down to diagrams of correct placement, which I don’t need, I got plenty of that in health class back in high school. SHIT! I should have asked Mr. Wendell what to do. Nah, my slightly younger self wouldn’t even speak up to that disgruntled coach to even use the pencil sharpener.

 

Oh condoms, you evoke that distance memory I had lived out long ago, at that fitful age of five. It was late afternoon, with an overcast coming in, when I found a used purple rubber at the beach and spun it around like a glow stick. My mother on the other hand didn’t share in my amazing discovery.

 

Why isn’t there a machine where all you do is stick it in, and voila! A custom condom is generated! You could even order a card to insert the side slot to add extras, like glow color ability, soundchips or even Viagra induced lubricant! Wait this sound horrible, someone will have to clean out the hole every time. I’ll have to ensure each customer will also insert a cleaning rod after each use to ensure the quality of the machine lives up to standard.

Dream Talks # 1

Dreams eh, I figure what should hook a reader in quicker than to describe how I witness my house grew half a nipple and squirted out blue bottle caps? No that’s too much; rather I’ll go into another aspect of the dream itself I had last night.

 

I’m in school, or at least what could be considered as one. There are the desks with graffiti stenciled on, chairs rearrange behind each desk and a wide arrange of middle school kids are seated in each one. The room reeked of a 90’s teacher who attempted to decorate it as if it was the 50’s. I myself had morphed back to my 14 year old self, along with the blue bottle cap from earlier. Without a single word being spoken, as if I was wearing water filled Headphones, I witness several speech bubbles slide out forth the mouths of everyone.

“For each bottle cap holds a soul…” Read one bubble: “…And we are tied to them until we die.”  I was a bit perplexed at the notion, and then looked once more at my cap. The top itself had a mint blue text that read “Oliver and Duchess’s Magical Pop”, the flip side however had what seemed to be green mold continuously moving around the outer circle.

 

*Clink*

My sense of sound had uplifted for a split second to perceive that noise.  I looked up to notice one kid had dropped his Cap onto the ground. (Perhaps he grew bored with it and flipped it up as a coin, or maybe another student had flicked it out of his hand.)Everyone had gazed at him as he gradually bent down to pick it up. Yet a decaying hand had appeared from under the cap and sunk into the carpet floor away. The boy, without any expression, stood back up straight and held his arms up like the dozens of other failed cheerleaders who couldn’t make it in the squad.

Suddenly his entire body had ripped open to reveal yellow bile of goo spray out like a broken down slip-N-slide gone wrong.  Fearing the goo would splash at me, I turned my sights away towards my hands as a mini shield. That’s when I become aware of my right hand had been replaced with the corpse hand, along with his cap.

 

 

*Awake*

Ok here we go...

Hello to all the lads and lasses who have come forth to read the very first post on this miserable blogger. I, Mr.GreenToS, have taken my notice of refrain from my absent of blogging my VIDEO GAME posts on my main site, http://4playernetwork.com/cblogs/Mr.GreenToS/ (as if it was my own, I’m merely a community squall in their ranks.), In order to talk more. Meaning I shall go more off topic than necessary and anything goes.  This doesn’t mean I’ve given up on that site, rather I shall ONLY post Video game related posts onto that site.