Condom’s R Us

I just realized something, where does one go about to measure condoms? I mean I don’t expect my sexual prowess will attract the opposite gender any time soon, but sooner or later I’ll have a drunken late night of remorse and shall need to call upon the rubber manufactures to make sure my boomstick doesn’t go off inside her cabin. (Honestly it’s more along the comparison of a .45 caliber than that massive scale.)

“Why don’t you just buy a shit ton of different condoms and test each one for comparison?” HELL NO! I don’t want to waste my precious, but not so hard earned, money just to attest to prior knowledge of box size, but then again I don’t want to make my buddy turn blue for grabbing the wrong coat.

 

Wait I got the internet! Wait…the internet?! One wrong link click could send me down to diagrams of correct placement, which I don’t need, I got plenty of that in health class back in high school. SHIT! I should have asked Mr. Wendell what to do. Nah, my slightly younger self wouldn’t even speak up to that disgruntled coach to even use the pencil sharpener.

 

Oh condoms, you evoke that distance memory I had lived out long ago, at that fitful age of five. It was late afternoon, with an overcast coming in, when I found a used purple rubber at the beach and spun it around like a glow stick. My mother on the other hand didn’t share in my amazing discovery.

 

Why isn’t there a machine where all you do is stick it in, and voila! A custom condom is generated! You could even order a card to insert the side slot to add extras, like glow color ability, soundchips or even Viagra induced lubricant! Wait this sound horrible, someone will have to clean out the hole every time. I’ll have to ensure each customer will also insert a cleaning rod after each use to ensure the quality of the machine lives up to standard.